He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me, he loves me not. 27 and doodling on my notepad, It’s 9 am and am just starting my day at work. I didn’t go to that lunch yesterday; and now am sitting here wondering why. Perhaps because am married? Obviously. Obviously. Ok maybe not. Playing the cat and mouse game? That sounds more like it. But why? Well, quite simply because I can. If there is one thing I am good at, it is controlling situations and doing things MY way.
See I have this power thing going on for me. I am not going to lie. Am a little narcissistic, and yes I know I am all that and more. I stride around like am boss and most people just let me, it’s my charm. What I say goes…ironically except with Kyla, my baby. She’s got a mind of her own; and that she gets from mommy. Anyways, back to me;… few people stand up to me. Am that strong black woman, intimidating, overbearing and darn right full of attitude (when I want) – the upside? I can be smooth, gentle and maternal. Always two sides to a story. But Olivier, Olivier he just breaks all that. For a guy I’ve only met once before am wondering…what does he have over me? Not going to lunch yesterday, that was my power play. I needed to bring it back to my territory, my game. And yet, as I read his second email; my walls shatter. This time he says:
Either you didn’t get my email or you’re ignoring me.
Call me 0722 301 345
Who the hell did he think he was? So what I didn’t show up to your silly little lunch. So what if I am ignoring you. I am married. Remember? Ok, maybe not ‘so what’? Why didn’t I go again? Because deep down inside; there it is, that faint guilt. Because am loving this, loving the idea of seeing him again – and my down to earth nature tells me; it is wrong. As I recall the words from bump and grind; my body, my body is telling me yes, but my mind is telling me no!
This is one battle with my demons am possibly going to lose. I hit the reply button. I start to type; and immediately erase it all. As I swirl in my black leather chair, I hit the massage button and just sit there. Sit there pondering, as I feel the vibrations driving through me and start to feel less tense. I contemplate. I think it over and over; and am suddenly interrupted by Sheila.
“Your ten O’clock is here. And here are the minutes from yesterday’s meeting.” Sheila drops some files on my desks and as she’s heading out, I respond,
“Give me a couple of minutes.” I return to my screen and spit out a few words. They read: 0722 801 2345. Call me at 12pm. No later. I press send, and officially begin my day. This is my game.
Am sitting at Java club house at 11.59am as my phone rings. I have always loved punctuality. I pick up and, wait for him to say hello. It comes nonchalantly, i immediately say:
“Meet me at Java House Junction in 20 minutes.” I don’t give him a chance to respond, am already saying “see you later”, as I hang up. For me, the thrill is in the control. If we are going to do this, we must do it my way. No negotiations.
I begin to play around with my blackberry responding to messages; talking on my hands free and sipping on a black coffee, no sugar, no cream. Am nervous, but I must keep cool. Anxiety never helped a soul.
His 20 minutes are up. I just finished another black coffee and even had time to start digging into one of my guilty pleasures; mocha chocolate cheese cake. What was that expression again; you snooze you lose. I am out of here. I grab my ebony Gucci tote and start heading for the parking lot. This was a ridiculous idea anyway; what was I even thinking.
My white range rover is parked in the far corner of the underground parking at Junction mall. I so want to tell you the story about my car; my beautiful car, the white leather interior that invigorates me each time i step into it; the sun roof and mahogany dashboard that brings amazing light to my dull days. My baby, my love. My dream car; the one I always promised myself I would own once i made it – and here I was. In Sandra’s world everything was possible. What Sandra wants, Sandra gets. So in my book, this little default encounter was throwing me a little off balance.
As I approach my baby; a black suburban cuts right in front of me. Am ready to throw out all my un-lady like curses when the window rolls down and grinning at me is Olivier. Again, he has thrown me completely off balance. I regain my composure, and swerve to the left towards my own car. He quickly stomps out of his and follows me, rambling all kinds of excuses. As i get to my door. I casually turn around, look at him and say:
“Punctuality is certainly not your forte”. I like discipline and I like to discipline others around me.
“You have to understand… The traffic, and am not from around here…. And….”
I do not let him finish. I hold up one hand and just answer, “well I have to get back to work so…” I begin to open my door and prepare to just drive away. In a matter of seconds, before I can realise what is going on, Olivier is holding my door open and bending down towards my face, leaning in for a kiss. Am too stupefied to react, too excited to respond. I can smell his cologne; Valentino. I know that smell anywhere. I can feel his breath on me, with a hint of peppermint, he stops only centimetres from my mouth and just freezes there. He is drawing me in with his dark brown eyes; speaking with his gaze and expecting me to complete the kiss my leaning in the rest of the way.
I am frozen and mesmerized by this man who seems to have no boundaries. Every sensation in my body wants to just go that extra mile, make the leap and kiss him. I control myself. It feels like we have been sitting here for minutes. We are awoken by the sound of horns around us; Olivier’s car is blocking one of the entry ways. He finally takes the leap, makes the decision for me and kisses me. Soft and passionate; no tongue; I can still taste him as he leaves me wanting more. Goes back to his car and drives off. Am sitting there, transfixed, I can’t quite move. And then, my phone rings.
Olivier is giving me directions to his little sanctuary. Am listening; realising that this ball is not in my court. When exactly did I lose control?