I shut down today. In the middle of it all – I broke down and shut down.
It started in the morning (or one morning) when an Ex called and asked to speak to me. Something in me said I should just shut him down right there and then. But, he insisted, so in the only way I know how, I gave him a listen. And for a (brief) few minutes I zoned out. He went about his ramblings, telling me this and telling me that. Re stating how sorry he was about x, y or z – Things I had heard before. I forgave him (a while ago) and then again in that instant and then thought that would be it. But he had more to say (funny because he never spoke so much then), so I told him that he would have to clear his conscience with God (because this was beyond me) – I was out. He heard what he wanted to hear, and then alluded to us getting back together and again, that, was a firm NO. That chapter was closed. And slowly I began to shut down.
I wondered what it was about me that made it impossible for them, for him to stay? What was it about me that made me not enough for them, for him in the instant? And why did he, they always come back seeking redemption? I wondered what it was about me, that made it ok for them to come stumbling back? With more excuses and reasons? What was it about me or them, or him, that made it reasonable to assume that I would listen? Again and again and again.
I shut down today, realizing that I was a yes girl and all my “yes’S” kept, keep getting me trouble (more trouble than I could, can handle anymore). I shut down today because I understood how empowering that two letter word can be. How hard it must feel (just in that instant) but how good it gets. How liberating and invigorating ‘no’ really is.
I sat at work, a little depressed about everything that was wrong in my life, but remembered words from a friend – words that said: “why you acting all damaged? Why you acting like you’ve never loved or been loved?” I remembered that there was me, a me before all this, a me that knew my worth. A ME who could say No and stop acting like the world was over.
Then people kept on asking me for things. Piling work on my desk, expecting me to go above and beyond as I often find myself doing. I shut down today and said no. When they asked me to complete a report that I was not expected to do, I said No. When they told me to conduct a meeting I was not scheduled for, I said No and everything they asked for today, I said no to. The more I said no the more empowered I felt and the more encouraged I was to continue to say No.
I shut down today for all the yes’S that I gave in the past. For laying down so much and watching them walk all over me. I shut down today because no matter how low I got they still found a way to ask me to be flat. I shut down today because I realized they respected MY ‘no’ more than they did my yes. I shut down today because I was tired. I was exhausted, and I simply wanted a break.
So when family wanted me to help with a project I said, I had no time, when a close friend asked if I could listen to her problems I said, “no not today”. And when that really cute Guy asked me out for coffee I said “nope not today” (Hoping that maybe someday when I am ready he would ask again). When another ex asked if I wanted to talk, i started to talk and then said, “no not now, maybe not ever” (let’s break unnecessary cycles). When a guy whose been trying to hit at/on me kept blowing up my whatsapp with messages, I said, “I am done, stop sending me messages”, when he asked why, I responded “I am tired of pretending, keeping you around until I feel like I might be interested in you”. When that random man assumed that I was ok being his side chic, I said, “no, never” and when I asked myself if I was ok, I said ‘no’ and that made me all of a sudden Okay.
I shut down today and returned to my shell. A place I had not visited in a while.
I shut down today, not knowing when I would re-boot.
And when I least expected it, I re-set, understanding that I was fine and that I needed the break, and that no amount of YESs would make me better or happy!
Be like Nims,
Shut Down today and say No
This is a PSA brought to you by Nims Mayers